Well...it has been almost a year since we left for Ukraine. I guess we are just shy of 11 months, really. It's kind of a weird place to be, really. We spent so much time WAITING that we got used to it and now we have gone and come home and are working on our new groove. So much has happened in the past 11 months. Everyone has worked really hard at adjusting to our new life. It has been good. If you are adopting, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE read the following books: Adopting the Hurt Child (Keck & Kopecky) Actually anything by the previous two authors will help you and When Love is not Enough. Can't remember the author now, but it is a great book. I have a friend who loaned me these books and I CAN NOT express how much help they have been in understanding the behaviors in my children. ALSO READ ALL OR ANY LOVE & LOGIC you can get your hands on. All of these books will really help you in keeping perspective of all these crazy behaviors (yours and the childrens) that you will have to deal with. Also, please, please, please take time for yourself. Book it now before you go on your trip. Have a list of babysitters and take breaks often. The books say not to isolate your child, etc, but you have to leave them with a trusted individual so you can regroup, recharge and keep yourself looking at the big picture. I didn't do this and I really lost myself on several occasions. I have my cousin (like my sister) who watched my children 2 times and a mother in law who, I think, watched them 3 times in a 11 month period, and quite frankly that was not NEARLY enough. REally it wasn't. I was going crazy. Literally and figuratively. If you don't have a mom or other family that you can leave your children with, then get a babysitter list 9 feet long and call everyone on it until someone can give you a break. We have a saying in our house... A wise man learns from others mistakes; a smart man learns from his own mistakes and a fool never learns. Please be wise and learn from my mistakes.
So all that being said, after 15.5 years of marriage, we are taking a much needed break and going on our honeymoon. I won't even go into our wedding...what a disaster! So many people with so many agendas and in the middle of all that chaos was a young couple who really should have gotten married the year before and eloped! But Scott's grandparents were so important to us that we couldn't have done that to them, so we tried to have the wedding we thought everyone wanted and didn't want at the same time. We were poor and didn't have the family support we so desperately wanted and needed at the time. We were trying to raise my younger sister from an abusive homelife, and she SO didn't want to risk having to go back home while we were gone on our honeymoon, so we decided to take her to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City. We had a fine time, but with all the negative family surrounding our wedding, with the immense job of raising a child at our mature age of 21, and with the financial pressures we were under this seemed like the best option. And at the time it was. But S&I always felt something was missing, that "our day" was really "everyone elses day" and we felt a jipped. Don't get me wrong, we knew that God intended us to be husband and wife. We knew that His blessing was on our marriage and have been so grateful to Him for His Presence in our midst. But we always felt like we got the short ended straw by thinking of everone else and not getting to do the worldly "honeymoon" thing. Okay so I am really rambling about this, trying to communicate my feelings and I realize that there is still a lot of hurt about this time in our lives. So sad, and really a reminder to me to be in prayer for my children's spouses now, and to be submissive to God when He reveals who those spouses are. Anyway on with the point... we are going on a honeymoon. We have dreamed of going to Hawaii and have been saving for over a year now to make that happen. With our adoption expenses, it wasn't easy, but through God's blessings and our (Scott's budgeting, way to go!) discipline, we have are finally able to go. And I find it really ironic that we are leaving just a few days shy of the day we boarded the plane for Ukraine. What a sweet serendipity. Remember my sister/cousin and mil and their babysitting I mentioned earlier, well they are watching our kids during our tip and we are really grateful. I mean REALLY GRATEFUL!! I am SO ready for some rest and some time with God. I am spiritually empty. I miss Him. I feel so consumed most of the time. So exhausted. I am anxiously counting down the days until I can complete a thought, talk with God about something deep (other than, please God help me keep my calmness right this second before I lose it) and laugh with my husband. I miss laughing with him...
I probably should stop this before I go on. Not quite for sure who still reads our blog after all this time. I don't think any at all, really. But I thought it would be nice to post here because I liked the outlet it provided while in Ukraine and wanted to recapture the spirit of reflection I felt there. Since I type better than I write, I thought this might be the place to do it. I am rambling again... I am in a really melancholy mood, feeling pretty much alone in my heart. Pondering all that is going on in the heart of my children and losing myself in the midst. Just a month until calm, blue waters and completed thoughts and laughter...can't wait.
PS: My sweet cuz gave me the funniest birthday present, a book about her foot and it's trip on their cruise last spring (same time we were in Ukraine). I have a foot thing. I think feet are gross and weird. So she thought it would be funny to take a picture of her foot everytime she thought of us while she was on her cruise and we were in Ukraine. It's really got me to belly laughing. Oh thanks God for that reminder that I am laughing... I need that!
Love you!
Kayla :)
